Just going to clear a few things up. – Trigger Warning

First if you’re reading this then please watch the video. There’s no other way to put it other than that way. https://youtu.be/tKaQd6-tlUw

Contrary to popular belief, suicide is not a spur of the moment decision. The process of thought can take anytime between days and even years. For a person to suddenly decide to commit is the general image behind suicide that society has imposed on us, never once do we mention the hours of thought put behind the act, a person puts into it. Nor do we mention how said person usually comes up with alternative reliefs before the end game and the continuous balance of positives and negatives they weigh up. Suicide isn’t all hearts and roses, its bloodshed and tears. 

The truth is I have thoughts of killing myself at least 5 times a day – on a good one. And on a bad day, even more. I’m not scared of dying, I’m mostly bored if not tired of living a half life. I’m smarter than that however, and it’s just thoughts. But I know I’m strong enough to do so, and I lack no remorse for it, it’s too easy to be honest. There’s tutorials on nooses,I could hang myself from a tree, I could slit my wrists easiest of them all actually! There’s also bleach, I could jump from somewhere or drown. 

I’m bored of the life I live. People compare me to Hannah Baker and ask me if I did it, who would be my reasons. In actual fact I probably wouldn’t leave a note behind, because you can’t write a suicide note to yourself, or to life even. I don’t feel anything mostly, I can’t cry because I lack the feelings so I laugh instead and pretend I’m fine, I make jokes and every depressed word that comes out my mouth is a plea for help.

Last week I went missing, people only care when you could be dead. But no I say sorting things but it’s normal, I could kill myself tomorrow and everybody would love me for 3 days and then never mention my name again.

Before I finish I don’t want sympathy, none at all just recognition that I’m not okay. And I definitely don’t want any are you okay. 

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Dark Place

I’m in a dark place and I’m struggling, struggling to even get out of bed, struggling to work through my day. I’ve lost myself and certainly my spirit, I need help. I have no direction and my soul is empty, just crying out for help. I NEED some motivation, some joy in the sheltered and shadowed life I lead, I’m depressed, genuinely this time, even though it has been genuine for the past 3/4 years But I feel it for real now – I’m not sad, nor am I happy, I’m not feeling self-conscious or ashamed, just completely empty. I want all of it to just get up and walk out the door, leave forever but I know that’s not exactly possible.

You see the thing is with a mental illness, there’s no cure and even worse – there’s no way for sure that other people can understand and identify the fact you have one because it’s all up there inside your head where nobody else can go. Therefore it’s harder for other people to comprehend or even sympathize. I have work to do, but I can’t because I will have a sudden strong surge of motivation that leads me out of my bed and towards my desk, I turn my computer on and open my coursework; I start to do my coursework and sit there for an hour but I’ve only really written about 10-30 words and even then it’s gibberish. I see the reality of it and realize it’s never going to be perfect like I need it to, and like a cycle, I’m back in my bed again, physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I lay there alone, in broad daylight with my curtains open, just hoping and wishing for a change, it doesn’t come and neither does sleep (yet), I turn on my tablet and play some music which I just rest and cry to.

My next point, my life’s a mess and even technology hates me; my phones just randomly stopped working and as sad as it sounds it was my best friend. I haven’t a clue how it happened but slowly it’s just stopped charging and now it won’t charge at all, but then it’s probably just an analogy of my life story, isn’t it? How in the beginning I was full of battery and charge, then overtime all the shit and happiness just got pushed into to me, like how you would charge a phone and leave it on for too long and overcharge the battery. Then over time, the battery starts to break because of the overuse, and suddenly one day it’s broke and surprise surprise the phones dead.

What happens after that, or before the final date actually? With life, you cannot just go to the shops and buy a new one, or even a new spirit like you would a new charger or battery. You first have to identify the issue, which may as well be impossible with a mental illness, then there’s the issue when you have multiple and even so they aren’t obvious, apart from depression and anxiety. It’s worse, however, because depression and anxiety are polar opposites; depression has you wanting, to not worry about everything and just lay in bed all day. On the other hand, anxiety has you worrying about everything and you can’t find a balance.

It’s awful that society has put a label on us that states on girls have depression and anxiety. That only girl’s self-harm and commit. That’s only because society tells men they aren’t allowed to be anything but masculine, brave, bold and independent. men aren’t allowed to feel and are strictly forbidden from asking for help. Even more so there are stereotypes restricting us every day, if you’re from an estate you’re not going to get anywhere in life because your poor and you don’t deserve respect If you’re fat you’re not good enough, and how society only cares if you’re rich, skinny, popular, pretty or dead. How if man has a different personality e.g. he’s feminine a label is placed on him (gay), how heterosexual males can put a label on their friendships but how LGBTQ can not create their own labels (double standards I know!) All we think about in this day and age is comparisons, and we only accept the rich and more wealthy. We look up to celebrities like they’re a godsend and we need to be like them. All we care about is fancy clothes and expensive cars; footballers get paid millions to kick a ball about, whilst they’re thousands if not millions of doctors out there saving lives every day, trying their best and having to tell parents their children have died, but nope we’ve decided to underpay them. Soldiers fighting for their lives everyday, and families always thinking of the worst but again we underpay them. Am I crazy for thinking this, but isn’t this world just a backward piece of shit or what?

I’m unsure

I’m getting worse that’s certain, but there’s a chance I could get better. There’s also the chance that I could get so much worse. I want to go back to school, I need to know if things have improved, I have nobody to rely on right now and no friends. Definitely no purpose or structure, and each day I wake up and go to sleep at the most miraculous times; I need a routine – need to fill in the gaps. 

I have a feeling I’m still going to be everyone’s favourite punching bag and that life will get more stressful but nevertheless I need answers. 

I’m actually fucking terrified, I’m probably just being extremely disturbed, but I feel like my life is a disaster. My dad’s chest is really bad and so is his asthma, heart problems run is the family. My mum’s ill and she’s got to go for some tests at the hospital, what if it could be fatal? It’s her throat or chest! Everybody in my family is ill? Both my mums parents have/had emphysema, I’m scared. I’m having disturbed thoughts, if anything happened to my parents I couldn’t look after my siblings – I could barely look after myself but I’d try. But I know I could never give them a proper future, the one they deserve. I love them both with all my heart and I couldn’t bare to lose them or my parents, I’m just overreacting but it’s just worrying. 

Like a boat

Like a boat in the middle of the sea you float, 

In the middle of the ocean with no direction you just simply exist.

You can either drown in the never ending water below or wait for years to be rescued, 

You slip your hand into the unknown, it’s wet and its silky, 

Looking around you’re unsure of your whereabouts and even more unsure about the purpose of you being here. 

What you feel doesn’t exist, you can’t feel nothing

A better way to describe it would probably be feeling numb

One of them nights. 

I’m worried, you see in the past I’ve always been pushed to the side and left alone to fend for myself. Why should it change? In primary school during key stage 1 I was everyone’s favourite punching bag; especially the girl’s. A nip here, kick there and a shove in the cloakroom, but when I retaliated I was punished and told off. Key stage 2 didn’t change much, still everybody’s toy, the one who everyone ran away whilst playing a game, I was always the villain, even when we weren’t playing a game I still had to chase my two best friends across the playground just to have a tiny conversation thst consisted of usually about 7 words. 

Year 5 wasn’t much different; that year I’d gained new enimies one new guy from the previous year and a new guy thia year who had hit it off instantly. It was a rocky relationship most of the time somedays they hated me, other days they liked me. One time I had a fight with this kid and his friend started on me, so one of the guys who supposedly hated me ran up to us and hit the guy starting on me. It was chaotic, however it didn’t last long because as soonas it started the headteacher saw. Soon after lunch and when we were back in lessons this kid was rather annoyed at me for him jumping into the fight; not like I told him to though. 

It’s funny though because in year 6 I was inducted into their group; not going to lie we were probably the school bullies, but I was welcomed, I was the messanger, the gossip keeper. There were quite a few major fights where everybody got their allies involved. I was also friends with my best friend since year 3, she was amazing, kind, funny and we used to find life hillarious, just free of worry. We had the best laughs ever, especially during that last year. 

I’ve always been jumping from friendship group to friendship group, trying to find a place in between it all. I’ve been quite a few extra activity groups, and now it makes me think was their something wrong with me as a child? I was pretty antisocial, anxious and had OCD like hell, I fell out with my peers all the time. I have quite a great memory actually, just not academically, I often still feel like that child. I had anger problems, and were pretty selfish. Being an only child and living with my grandparents on an old persons atreet for 8 years, meant my coauin was my only friend, apart from a few older kids by like 3/4 years. It was weird. 
I moved around for a few years, frommy grans to a flat with my mumand dad when my sister was born, and then to another house next to me my nans friend a year lated. In the new house I made a new best friend called Lewis, we were tight tbh, but we got up to no good together. My first sleepover was at hia house, my first best friend outside of school, first birthday party invite, we usually went to each others houses for tea. One day we both made a mistake which caused us to fall out  and lose contact. When I moved to scholemoor it was juat the icong on the cake whixh caused a total lack of contact, it’s quite sad actually. 

Scholemoor got shitter and shitter over the years, so did family and so did school. Secondary school started and so did the abuse start again. I gained another two best friends, but due to judgement of everybody else I lost one and the over ones friends abused me, the friendship got rocky but it stood for about two years. She acted so sweet inocent all the time and it wound me up so much so my anger usually got the better of me, causing myself trouble and fir us to fall out a lot. In year 8 the abuse got worse, anxiety attacks were occurring like once every two day and I developed depression, that year was the first time I cut myself, I was messaging a friend who I felt had abandoned me – it hurt because I knew it happened all the time. I gained a hatred for my rx best mate and he pushed my buttons, always getting into my head making me feel insecure, and lonely. LikeI weren’t worth shit, it drove me mad, I started giving him grief but time after time everybody took his side I assaulted him three times because of how much hurt he was causing me. 

Year 9 was a major year and tbh I can’t remember much of it. 

I had gained a new best friend before starting year 9 and she was probably the best thing to happen to me but I got insecure and ruined it. 

Year 10 again is all mushed up. But that’s a story for another day. 

Just a few minutes 

I need a few minutes to myself, to allow myself to think, a deep cleanse if you may. 

Last year was hell, and the year before that wasn’t great either. Year 7 could have been so much better, but it wasn’t as bad as year 8. With the struggles I’ve been through one would expect me to be used it and expect it to happen. 

I think I’m depressed have done for 3 years, but I’m happy sometimes, which disuades the whole idea. I forget that depressed people can be happy too, or is it bipolar? Am I just having episodes each year? 

I need someone to speak to, a friend to tell me how great I am or how great life is. I need to believe them, I’ve jumped from best friend to best friend and they’ve all been the best thing ever, now I don’t have one. 

My life’s a mess, one car wreck after the other, one disaster after the next. When will it stop? 

I can take shit with a laugh, just like everybody laughing whilst they’re giving it. But it all builds up like a barrier around me until I’m alone, then it hurts. 

A little Irony

I find it quite a bit ironic how in year 5 I were placed in an extra curriculum activity group, in which we discussed life skills. One day we were asked how we felt, to which I replied I felt depressed. From that point our teacher said, don’t ever say you feel depressed again, depression is more to it that just feeling sad, it’s a mental illness. It’s quite ironic how no, I wasn’t depressed at the time but in a couple years later besides everything she had said I felt it alright. Some days your up, some days your down and some days you’re not in-between – you just feel emptiness. 

Another example of irony would be when I found out a friend was self-harming last year. I was annoyed and upset, she heild a pair of scissors in her hand, but told me they weren’t sharp. I tested them on my arm – you  could feel them anyway. My form tutor saw me/us and told me to stop because it wasn’t a joke and people actually do it because they are so upset. It was from that point on an addiction began which lasted about 4 months

Organising thoughts

Just a little post to allow myself to get some control over my thoughts

  • Happiness 
  • Struggle 
  • Ashame
  • Chaos
  • Disappointing 
  • Proud
  • Excited 
  • Major contrast
  • 3 years of hell

Basically what I’m referring to is how I’m so full of life and life energy this year;vhow I’m so overbearing and annoying. But after 3 years of hell I know I deserve this and if people don’t like it then I’m not going to stop. Why should I? I will fontinue being overexcited and all over the place, because it gives me freedom amd strength it allows me no restrictions, so in essence happines. 

Some people try to drag me down for it by calling me weird, but in reality normality doesn’t exist. I’m just more happy showing me, when compared to others. They stick to the norm whilst I spread my wings, inhale and branch out into all 4 corners of the Earth. BECAUSE I CAN, BECAUSE I’M ALLOWED.