I’m worried, you see in the past I’ve always been pushed to the side and left alone to fend for myself. Why should it change? In primary school during key stage 1 I was everyone’s favourite punching bag; especially the girl’s. A nip here, kick there and a shove in the cloakroom, but when I retaliated I was punished and told off. Key stage 2 didn’t change much, still everybody’s toy, the one who everyone ran away whilst playing a game, I was always the villain, even when we weren’t playing a game I still had to chase my two best friends across the playground just to have a tiny conversation thst consisted of usually about 7 words.
Year 5 wasn’t much different; that year I’d gained new enimies one new guy from the previous year and a new guy thia year who had hit it off instantly. It was a rocky relationship most of the time somedays they hated me, other days they liked me. One time I had a fight with this kid and his friend started on me, so one of the guys who supposedly hated me ran up to us and hit the guy starting on me. It was chaotic, however it didn’t last long because as soonas it started the headteacher saw. Soon after lunch and when we were back in lessons this kid was rather annoyed at me for him jumping into the fight; not like I told him to though.
It’s funny though because in year 6 I was inducted into their group; not going to lie we were probably the school bullies, but I was welcomed, I was the messanger, the gossip keeper. There were quite a few major fights where everybody got their allies involved. I was also friends with my best friend since year 3, she was amazing, kind, funny and we used to find life hillarious, just free of worry. We had the best laughs ever, especially during that last year.
I’ve always been jumping from friendship group to friendship group, trying to find a place in between it all. I’ve been quite a few extra activity groups, and now it makes me think was their something wrong with me as a child? I was pretty antisocial, anxious and had OCD like hell, I fell out with my peers all the time. I have quite a great memory actually, just not academically, I often still feel like that child. I had anger problems, and were pretty selfish. Being an only child and living with my grandparents on an old persons atreet for 8 years, meant my coauin was my only friend, apart from a few older kids by like 3/4 years. It was weird.
I moved around for a few years, frommy grans to a flat with my mumand dad when my sister was born, and then to another house next to me my nans friend a year lated. In the new house I made a new best friend called Lewis, we were tight tbh, but we got up to no good together. My first sleepover was at hia house, my first best friend outside of school, first birthday party invite, we usually went to each others houses for tea. One day we both made a mistake which caused us to fall out and lose contact. When I moved to scholemoor it was juat the icong on the cake whixh caused a total lack of contact, it’s quite sad actually.
Scholemoor got shitter and shitter over the years, so did family and so did school. Secondary school started and so did the abuse start again. I gained another two best friends, but due to judgement of everybody else I lost one and the over ones friends abused me, the friendship got rocky but it stood for about two years. She acted so sweet inocent all the time and it wound me up so much so my anger usually got the better of me, causing myself trouble and fir us to fall out a lot. In year 8 the abuse got worse, anxiety attacks were occurring like once every two day and I developed depression, that year was the first time I cut myself, I was messaging a friend who I felt had abandoned me – it hurt because I knew it happened all the time. I gained a hatred for my rx best mate and he pushed my buttons, always getting into my head making me feel insecure, and lonely. LikeI weren’t worth shit, it drove me mad, I started giving him grief but time after time everybody took his side I assaulted him three times because of how much hurt he was causing me.
Year 9 was a major year and tbh I can’t remember much of it.
I had gained a new best friend before starting year 9 and she was probably the best thing to happen to me but I got insecure and ruined it.
Year 10 again is all mushed up. But that’s a story for another day.