I’m unsure

I’m getting worse that’s certain, but there’s a chance I could get better. There’s also the chance that I could get so much worse. I want to go back to school, I need to know if things have improved, I have nobody to rely on right now and no friends. Definitely no purpose or structure, and each day I wake up and go to sleep at the most miraculous times; I need a routine – need to fill in the gaps. 

I have a feeling I’m still going to be everyone’s favourite punching bag and that life will get more stressful but nevertheless I need answers. 

I’m actually fucking terrified, I’m probably just being extremely disturbed, but I feel like my life is a disaster. My dad’s chest is really bad and so is his asthma, heart problems run is the family. My mum’s ill and she’s got to go for some tests at the hospital, what if it could be fatal? It’s her throat or chest! Everybody in my family is ill? Both my mums parents have/had emphysema, I’m scared. I’m having disturbed thoughts, if anything happened to my parents I couldn’t look after my siblings – I could barely look after myself but I’d try. But I know I could never give them a proper future, the one they deserve. I love them both with all my heart and I couldn’t bare to lose them or my parents, I’m just overreacting but it’s just worrying. 

Like a boat

Like a boat in the middle of the sea you float, 

In the middle of the ocean with no direction you just simply exist.

You can either drown in the never ending water below or wait for years to be rescued, 

You slip your hand into the unknown, it’s wet and its silky, 

Looking around you’re unsure of your whereabouts and even more unsure about the purpose of you being here. 

What you feel doesn’t exist, you can’t feel nothing

A better way to describe it would probably be feeling numb

One of them nights. 

I’m worried, you see in the past I’ve always been pushed to the side and left alone to fend for myself. Why should it change? In primary school during key stage 1 I was everyone’s favourite punching bag; especially the girl’s. A nip here, kick there and a shove in the cloakroom, but when I retaliated I was punished and told off. Key stage 2 didn’t change much, still everybody’s toy, the one who everyone ran away whilst playing a game, I was always the villain, even when we weren’t playing a game I still had to chase my two best friends across the playground just to have a tiny conversation thst consisted of usually about 7 words. 

Year 5 wasn’t much different; that year I’d gained new enimies one new guy from the previous year and a new guy thia year who had hit it off instantly. It was a rocky relationship most of the time somedays they hated me, other days they liked me. One time I had a fight with this kid and his friend started on me, so one of the guys who supposedly hated me ran up to us and hit the guy starting on me. It was chaotic, however it didn’t last long because as soonas it started the headteacher saw. Soon after lunch and when we were back in lessons this kid was rather annoyed at me for him jumping into the fight; not like I told him to though. 

It’s funny though because in year 6 I was inducted into their group; not going to lie we were probably the school bullies, but I was welcomed, I was the messanger, the gossip keeper. There were quite a few major fights where everybody got their allies involved. I was also friends with my best friend since year 3, she was amazing, kind, funny and we used to find life hillarious, just free of worry. We had the best laughs ever, especially during that last year. 

I’ve always been jumping from friendship group to friendship group, trying to find a place in between it all. I’ve been quite a few extra activity groups, and now it makes me think was their something wrong with me as a child? I was pretty antisocial, anxious and had OCD like hell, I fell out with my peers all the time. I have quite a great memory actually, just not academically, I often still feel like that child. I had anger problems, and were pretty selfish. Being an only child and living with my grandparents on an old persons atreet for 8 years, meant my coauin was my only friend, apart from a few older kids by like 3/4 years. It was weird. 
I moved around for a few years, frommy grans to a flat with my mumand dad when my sister was born, and then to another house next to me my nans friend a year lated. In the new house I made a new best friend called Lewis, we were tight tbh, but we got up to no good together. My first sleepover was at hia house, my first best friend outside of school, first birthday party invite, we usually went to each others houses for tea. One day we both made a mistake which caused us to fall out  and lose contact. When I moved to scholemoor it was juat the icong on the cake whixh caused a total lack of contact, it’s quite sad actually. 

Scholemoor got shitter and shitter over the years, so did family and so did school. Secondary school started and so did the abuse start again. I gained another two best friends, but due to judgement of everybody else I lost one and the over ones friends abused me, the friendship got rocky but it stood for about two years. She acted so sweet inocent all the time and it wound me up so much so my anger usually got the better of me, causing myself trouble and fir us to fall out a lot. In year 8 the abuse got worse, anxiety attacks were occurring like once every two day and I developed depression, that year was the first time I cut myself, I was messaging a friend who I felt had abandoned me – it hurt because I knew it happened all the time. I gained a hatred for my rx best mate and he pushed my buttons, always getting into my head making me feel insecure, and lonely. LikeI weren’t worth shit, it drove me mad, I started giving him grief but time after time everybody took his side I assaulted him three times because of how much hurt he was causing me. 

Year 9 was a major year and tbh I can’t remember much of it. 

I had gained a new best friend before starting year 9 and she was probably the best thing to happen to me but I got insecure and ruined it. 

Year 10 again is all mushed up. But that’s a story for another day. 

Just a few minutes 

I need a few minutes to myself, to allow myself to think, a deep cleanse if you may. 

Last year was hell, and the year before that wasn’t great either. Year 7 could have been so much better, but it wasn’t as bad as year 8. With the struggles I’ve been through one would expect me to be used it and expect it to happen. 

I think I’m depressed have done for 3 years, but I’m happy sometimes, which disuades the whole idea. I forget that depressed people can be happy too, or is it bipolar? Am I just having episodes each year? 

I need someone to speak to, a friend to tell me how great I am or how great life is. I need to believe them, I’ve jumped from best friend to best friend and they’ve all been the best thing ever, now I don’t have one. 

My life’s a mess, one car wreck after the other, one disaster after the next. When will it stop? 

I can take shit with a laugh, just like everybody laughing whilst they’re giving it. But it all builds up like a barrier around me until I’m alone, then it hurts. 

A little Irony

I find it quite a bit ironic how in year 5 I were placed in an extra curriculum activity group, in which we discussed life skills. One day we were asked how we felt, to which I replied I felt depressed. From that point our teacher said, don’t ever say you feel depressed again, depression is more to it that just feeling sad, it’s a mental illness. It’s quite ironic how no, I wasn’t depressed at the time but in a couple years later besides everything she had said I felt it alright. Some days your up, some days your down and some days you’re not in-between – you just feel emptiness. 

Another example of irony would be when I found out a friend was self-harming last year. I was annoyed and upset, she heild a pair of scissors in her hand, but told me they weren’t sharp. I tested them on my arm – you  could feel them anyway. My form tutor saw me/us and told me to stop because it wasn’t a joke and people actually do it because they are so upset. It was from that point on an addiction began which lasted about 4 months

Organising thoughts

Just a little post to allow myself to get some control over my thoughts

  • Happiness 
  • Struggle 
  • Ashame
  • Chaos
  • Disappointing 
  • Proud
  • Excited 
  • Major contrast
  • 3 years of hell

Basically what I’m referring to is how I’m so full of life and life energy this year;vhow I’m so overbearing and annoying. But after 3 years of hell I know I deserve this and if people don’t like it then I’m not going to stop. Why should I? I will fontinue being overexcited and all over the place, because it gives me freedom amd strength it allows me no restrictions, so in essence happines. 

Some people try to drag me down for it by calling me weird, but in reality normality doesn’t exist. I’m just more happy showing me, when compared to others. They stick to the norm whilst I spread my wings, inhale and branch out into all 4 corners of the Earth. BECAUSE I CAN, BECAUSE I’M ALLOWED. 

Dunno

I don’t know what’s wrong, why am I so sad and why am I crying? Besides the fact I’m listening to take me home and it’s bringing back memories; because I totally didn’t just answer my own question. I’ve been having these thoughts for a while now and I want to feel it all again, it was indestructible feeling. It was purpose and now I can’t not feeling it, being happy – it causes me to be too happy. To be too open and carefree. I don’t want that, I want to feel the strong emotion again 

Tbh

I feel quite shit. My Insecurities are just flooding out of a dam and my fears are being showcased. It’s likely I’m tired, but they have to exist firstly. I’m listening to Same Love and it’s quute upsetting. 

A little truth. 

I am one of the most noisy, out there people, yet I’m also one of the quitest. 

In person I am so rude and uncontrolled, I don’t shut up. I never stop talking and just ramble. But that’s not me, I’ve got so much to say, so much that’s actually meaningful. I’m full of spirit and personality but it’s trapped inside out of fear and lack of confidence. I notice and think more than I say. 

I’m socially awkward and sometimes I can’t have a half decent conversation without going off on some random nonsense or stuttering. But there’s so much I have to say, I just don’t have the ability to do so. 

I have so many questions just waiting to be asked but I can’t because I don’t to know the reactions they will stir. What I see inside my head clashes and contrasts with what I see in the mirror. What I think and what I do are major contradictions, I want to be able to shout from the rooftops and be proud – to be great, to be a world inspiration. I want to be apreciated and told I’m great, but to actually believe and feel it.