For this one time, I’m going to call them an anxiety assault. THis one was different, it has never ever once been so bad.
First I’m going to give context. Sunday night I got into bed at 9ish, and stayed in bed trying to rest my head. It would not work no matter what I tried, I needed a miracle. It got to around 2 o’clock in the morning and finally I couldn’t even be bothered trying to sleep, so instead, I turned on my tablet and decided to watch a tv series: Teen Wolf, I’d got to the second episode and it the round about time for me to get up for the day. So I woke up, made myself a coffee and I sat down and read for a little bit. Little did I know the first half of this day was about to slip down a steep, disastrous landslide. So I went about my morning routine, showered, dressed etc.
On Monday mornings we have assemblies, boring, repetitive useless, half-arsed assemblies. I’d already predicted it was going to be about mental health. (this is what the screenshots are) So by this point, I knew what to expect, and knew that I would get seriously worked up and raged if the assembly were to be about Mental Health.
Or so I thought. In reality, it went nothing like I expected it to, it obliterated itself out of proportion, to say the least. It all started with a picture of a black-and-white picture of a man who had pieces falling from his head (similar to the provided picture) and I genuinely didn’t get the connection to mental health.
THEN SHE MUTTERED THE WORDS “MENTAL HEALTH”. At that moment time stopped and my world started spinning. At first my blood was boiling with rage, I had to bite my tongue and everything to stop myself from walking out or shouting, then that caused me to have a panic attack, then she talked about depression’ and anxiety so it got worse, then she showed this video which was super graphics and I was like fuck this and soon enough my anxiety attack level was 90000/10. Then they told us about a 13-year-old commuting suicide and the six former and I just balled nonstop I was shaking so bad and just squashing my body as much as I can you know because it was that bad? Not had one that had ever. It didn’t help me at all not sleeping last night and the shitty 2 weeks we’ve had. When I stood up I was slurring and everything and I had to get Alysha to walk me to English because my legs were honestly going to collapse. It wasn’t graphic in the video it was just him sitting down with a voice over but it was honestly 300% accurate and for me to feel that in that moment anyway but have 250 others at least hear about it from him whilst on that very second it happened to me I felt so alone and trapped because it was just unbelievably accurate and I was just in the middle of it all. It felt like somebody just bled my soul dry of any secrets and in that moment I felt so unbelievably vulnerable and I couldn’t handle it. Not only was I trapped in my had, I was trapped and sandwiched between 2 people, between 2 rows of chairs and in a hall full of people. What do I do? Do I get up and leave, and draw attention to myself? Or do I stay and face this trauma? I checked my watch over and over again and I silently begged the woman to just shut up and change the subject, I pleaded and pleaded for her to stop, my these thoughts to stop and for the trouble to just stop right then, right there. It wouldn’t. It was like waking up from a nightmare but still living that nightmare semi-consciously. Every single word caused 50 trains of thoughts inside my head, and every word made me flinch, and with each sentence, another tear slipped out my eyes. I was trapped, and I was helpless.
Eventually, when it had all stopped and it was time to leave, I stood up. But I had to literally battle with my legs to keep holding me up, I felt them buckling under me and the tears just continued to slip. I went outside hoping for the life of me that I would find a friend to walk with because I knew that I couldn’t walk by myself in that very moment. I knew I literally could not do it! By this point, my assault was running at 20 minutes long, and further continued for another 10 minutes after I had got to English.
I hand on my heart have never felt it this bad! Not even my 1st panic/anxiety attack felt this bad.