I want to change things up a little bit on my blog. Since recently, nope. For a while now, I’ve had a rather pessimistic attitude towards everything, and a deep sense of melancholy.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I’m entirely happy and over the moin because the reality is I’m far from it. I’ve had polar opposite mood fluctuations from regret, bitter hate and vindictive rage – to reminiscent happiness, pride, and euphoric love. Instead I would like to look for the light amongst the blackest shadows, for once.
Let me just give you a little context.
I’m Nathan, I’m a gay, 16 year old male who has anxiety and other yet to be diagnosed mental illness. But the mental illness is insignificant to this discussion. On Mondays I go to this support group for LGBT+, where we have lengthy worthwhile discussions of life, the universe and everything in between. Today our topic discussion was what is good about being gay, my answer was the pride and individuality that is beholden to me. I also love how to the best of my known I was one of the 1st openly gay students of my year and below.
If there is one thing I can be proud of it is the way I feel I laid the foundations for the freedom to be a unique individual. I don’t want to say to be LGBT either, because it isn’t just that community.
I stood up tall without breaking composure time, and time again with the crown upon my head and held the self respect to be myself. I never let anybody dull my shine, and I handled the disrespect and fear from other people with enough intellect. The strange questions were handled to the best of my ability. To this day I am openly gay, and I aim to shine light on all my peers who are and to help them escape the proverbial curtains holding back their true self.
I have never been the most popular in my year, obviously. But I stood talk against at least 30 people, broadcasting my indifference to their attitude. I showed them no fear. If I can show all those people that I weren’t backing down from the fight, then I could show the whole year. That is besides the fact that it did result in everybody knowing. I would like to think I bled into them the small bit of acceptance they now have, that has now allowed lots of others to come out. So far I can think of about 10, with at least half coming from my year who are officially out in public. This feels like a major achievement to me as it completely contrasts against the 1 person whom was me originally.
However, saying that we still have a long way to progress and a lot of misguided and judgement to stamp out and I 100% have my own fair share or regrets. For example it took me 2 years to tell my parents and family and even then it was a split second decision after my parents had found images of male bodies and faces, as well as fanfiction. Eventhough I could have easily excused either discovery, I fessed up on the spot and since then I’ve not looked back much. I see it as what it was, it happened and I’m happy it did However I do wish I had the courage to them sooner. It’s quite frightening that i found it easier to tell 500 students and more than I did find telling my parents.