Disconnected: Disastrous? Delirious?

As the title suggests I’ve recently been disconnected, just not in the way I would usually be. Usually, I would be disconnected from the outer world, from happiness and disconnected from my very own personality. This often means I’m disconnected from reality, from creativity and intellect – thus causing me to often say irrational things, think irrational thoughts and do irrational things. For once in my ‘sad little life’; insert a hint of sarcasm; I’m actually disconnected from all things that made me feel like a wreck. I’m disconnected from the usual depression, anxiety, distress, stress even however unpleasantly I’m still not disconnected from ‘Insomnia’. The tables have turned, insomnia this time has been caused by excitement, excitement to watch tv series, excitement to play Sims; insert eye roll; excitement to read and excitement to carry on with the next day’s activities. I do think it feels good.

However, I can sense the signs of impending doom, of all the past events taking over, taking over my mindset, and the clocks turning back – anything just to tip me over the edge. I can feel them, it’s hard to understand what that means, but strangely enough, I can emotionally, physically and mentally “literally” feel ‘it’ trying to take over, and it takes all of my will just to suppress the force of it. I push it to the back of my mind, which only allows it to build up over time. By knowledge of experience I know that due to the events that will take place in September, and the sudden change in the environment my anxiety will take a turn for the worst, and I’ll most likely be back to the start. The holidays have been pretty great so far, but I can’t help but feel lonely. I’ve said before; time and time again, that I have no true friends. Which in essence is true, depending on your definition. Most people have a group of friends they can rely on, a group of friends they can trust, who they are loyal to because likewise, their friends are loyal to them, a group of friends that talk to them outside of school and meet with them…. and others have a tiny group, and even fewer people have that 1 friend, that 1 best friend they can rely on. Ultimately I have none of that, it’s just me and has been since year 8. I had the closest thing to a best friend back when I was 10, sounds childish, it really does… hey I swear I’m still a child at heart, but things seriously got in between us and eventually I moved, snapping the final string bonding us together. Then it happened again I became friends with a girl my first day in year 7, she was my best friend for 2 years. We bonded when I ‘nearly’ got us both killed, when in actual fact I just ran across a road without looking and she followed, which she incidentally calls nearly getting us killed. Things just got in the way, my other friends, and we honestly just brought the worst out in each other, from experience two likes repel, and we were just too similar. Funnily enough, I also had another best friend during year 7 and I actually think we became friends the same day too, it also didn’t work out, it could have been that we were too much alike but I also believe that the opposition and dislike that everybody held for me probably persuaded him away, I even remember sitting at a table in the cafeteria and somebody interrogating him as to why he was sat near me, and another time him the person that interrogated him (also his best friend presumably ) also invited me to walk home with them due to me living near ‘my friends’ house, I held severe distrust at that proposition and assumed they were just going to run off and leave to figure the way out home by myself and declined.

Ironically these two best friends dated at one point or had some unspoken agreement between them that nobody knew about until one day he told me and I remembered her telling me to tell him she said yes, which I suspect was him asking her out. Undeniably it is all just speculation on my behalf but they both admitted it to me and later denied it.

It just goes to show I’m not cut out for a best friend or even friends, which often leaves me feeling lonely and I have to suppress it and pretend I don’t care. Where as in reality I do care and it makes me fear for the future because if I can’t hold a best friend now then how can I ever in the future? And isn’t a significant other/ partner actually just a best friend in hindsight? Does that mean I’ll be lonely forever? I’ve gone to the ends o the Earth and given everything I have just to secure friendship and even more to secure a best friend and in the end, I’ve pushed myself too hard to secure it and essentially just blown it all to pieces within the space of a very few, short, seconds.

I’ve gone off topic here and made it clear that in actual fact that I’m never going to be able to let go of the past. I’ve forgiven but honestly, I hate it but I’ve not forgotten and every once in a while a memory that I have lost just pops up out of nowhere and the blurred lines become unblurred and the jigsaws just form together, and the past events just become real again. It just makes me realize how much I’ve glossed over, and how much everybody else has glossed over and forgotten where it just haunts me, but I have to disregard it all because it’s in the past and everybody’s moved on and forgotten.

I don’t want to end it on this note so I’m going to try and create something new, that I’ve not spoken about before. Okay, I lied but I’m not going to get annoyed with myself. Truth be told barely any of my blog posts are my own ideas, they’re either spur of the moment decisions or I have to look for inspiration, usually in the form of an image, video or a quote. Some great quotes being: “stars can’t shine without darkness”, “just because my path is different doesn’t mean I’m lost”, “we accept the love we think we deserve” “difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations”, all which I will insert at the end, and more. I read them, and whilst reading them I smile like nothing else because they inspire me and motivate me. They tell me it’s not all just over yet, and persuade me to keep fighting. It’s like an award or medal for me, reading these give me recognition even though they are so generic that anybody can search the first page of google for them, but I always feel like they were made personally for me. Like Adele when she was given the Grammy that she snapped. They convince me to march on, keep fighting and doing what I’m doing, they motivate me to do it for myself, THE future, (not just mine), for my family for my friends, and for me, they motivate me and inspire me to help others. Thus every time I do help somebody else in a similar ditch I smile with pride because I know I’ve tried to make a significant difference and maybe it just worked, more over I know that if I keep it up I can continue to keep trying and I never give up hope that I could help. It gets unbearingly hard sometimes but I don’t have it in me to give up. I have a friend that has been going through all sorts of changed recently from anxiety, to minor depression, to emo, to transgender, to major depression, who incidentally tried to hurt themselves majorly once and no matter how hard they’ve tried to push me away I’ve never once given up hope. Not only that but I’ve cried myself at night because of the fear I felt for them, and it strives me to continue working at it, chipping away at the wall they’ve barricaded around themselves.

I’m going to end it here and just wondering if anybody has any ideas on what I could make my next blog post about.

A little bit of nothing, oxymoronic?

I’m not sure how good tonight’s post shall turn out, only that I don’t have much energy to post. That’s probably where the problem lies, but to even attempt to fix a broken mirror we need all of its pieces, just like how when solving a problem you need all the present information and facts to create a solution. But not only do you need a solution, you also need the courage, and thirst to fix the problem.

I can think of many possibilities that are causing me to be tired and depression is only one of them. It could be the after effects of PE, or a caffeine addiction, it, however, cannot be because I’m tired due to me having 9 hours sleep last night and approximately the same the night before.

I haven’t posted in a while, and my idea of a post about symbolism flew out the window due to me forgetting my examples and initial ideas, not to mention I lacked the energy in the first place. This I did some browsing on YouTube to find a topic similar to the rest of my blog, and I found a video I’ve seen at least 10 times before but it’s relatable. The video showcases a girl reciting a poem, which explains what describing depression to your mother is actually like. So I thought why don’t I break it down and explain it in my own words and compare it to my own struggles.

https://youtu.be/aqu4ezLQEUA

Mom my depression is a shape shifter

Depression can be a huge weight tied to your leg which you had once been forced to drag with you everywhere, or it could be like a black rose in a field of yellow tulips, it’s there and you feel it but it certainly isn’t the end of the world.

Mom says I thought the problem was that you can’t get out bed.

Now, this is probably the most relevant part for me, because again it’s like a force summoning you, pulling at you throughout the day. At at the end of it, and you’re back in the comfort of your own home without the pressure telling you to continue and that forced support holding you up, you crumble like the cliffs at our coasts when they’ve been assaulted by a wave, one too many times. You collapse onto your safe haven and dream about the could be’s and maybe’s and you’re aspirations – that is if you’re feeling up to it, and truthfully you’re actually not half of the time. I just wanted to lighten the mood, or should I say soften the blow for my peers?

How beautiful? That reminds me, due to my struggles last year when myself harming was pretty bad and my mentality broken, I thought it would be appropriate to pin my struggles on one person and the blame the faults of the whole world on that one person, it was wrong and I regret every moment of it, because she was entirely the wrong person to be held accountable. So we had a meeting with our head of year, during that meeting I was put in my place, but I believe said thing was not entirely justified. Here’s the thing, in said meeting our HoY told me, my peers were only children and they don’t deserve any of this. But in actual fact wouldn’t it be justice, due to the fact my depression and anxiety, and suicidal feelings was mainly due to being bullied on and off for the 3 years I’d spent at that school. When I’d finally had time tom process what she had said, it felt like a punch to the stomach, I felt as though she was blaming me for everything, and telling me I had to suck it up or just move on. But let’s leave that little trip down memory lane at the next bus stop, shall we?

Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party

Now, this is a great point which I think I have probably mentioned on numerous occasions. Depression and anxiety are both mental illnesses that make everyday difficult, compared to most other peoples. But to have both at the same time is horrendous and most of the time unbearable. I’ve said before Depression causes you to care about nothing, but anxiety causes you to care about everything; together the two words are oxymoronic and your every day full of contradictions and hard to make decisions. You can spend 10 minutes debating one resolution.

You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company

Now I actually understand why I once upon a time and to this day I feel enthralled by the moon, and especially the full moon. The luminescent glow of the moon has me dreaming about how great life could be, the silence of the night comforts me to no end and my bed sheets and pillows can sometimes be drowning.

Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake

Again insomnia keeps awake most nights, has done in the past, still, does. but sometimes I can fall asleep in a matter of minutes due to either exhaustion or the constant reminder stirring, and flashes of past events in front of my eyes. Telling me the night is a dangerous place when I’m in that place, confronting me and persuading me to just go to sleep instead. To save me from me, and the pain – figuratively and literally.

Mom still doesn’t understand
Mom, can’t you see
That neither can I

And now you understand what explaining depression is like to somebody else, or get somewhat of an idea. Bear in mind that the poem in its entirety explains a lot more.