7 steps forward 3/10 back.

I want to change things up a little bit on my blog. Since recently, nope. For a while now, I’ve had a rather pessimistic attitude towards everything, and a deep sense of melancholy.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I’m entirely happy and over the moin because the reality is I’m far from it. I’ve had polar opposite mood fluctuations from regret, bitter hate and vindictive rage – to reminiscent happiness, pride, and euphoric love. Instead I would like to look for the light amongst the blackest shadows, for once.

Let me just give you a little context.

I’m Nathan, I’m a gay, 16 year old male who has anxiety and other yet to be diagnosed mental illness. But the mental illness is insignificant to this discussion. On Mondays I go to this support group for LGBT+, where we have lengthy worthwhile discussions of life, the universe and everything in between. Today our topic discussion was what is good about being gay, my answer was the pride and individuality that is beholden to me. I also love how to the best of my known I was one of the 1st openly gay students of my year and below.

If there is one thing I can be proud of it is the way I feel I laid the foundations for the freedom to be a unique individual. I don’t want to say to be LGBT either, because it isn’t just that community.

I stood up tall without breaking composure time, and time again with the crown upon my head and held the self respect to be myself. I never let anybody dull my shine, and I handled the disrespect and fear from other people with enough intellect. The strange questions were handled to the best of my ability. To this day I am openly gay, and I aim to shine light on all my peers who are and to help them escape the proverbial curtains holding back their true self.

I have never been the most popular in my year, obviously. But I stood talk against at least 30 people, broadcasting my indifference to their attitude. I showed them no fear. If I can show all those people that I weren’t backing down from the fight, then I could show the whole year. That is besides the fact that it did result in everybody knowing. I would like to think I bled into them the small bit of acceptance they now have, that has now allowed lots of others to come out. So far I can think of about 10, with at least half coming from my year who are officially out in public. This feels like a major achievement to me as it completely contrasts against the 1 person whom was me originally.

However, saying that we still have a long way to progress and a lot of misguided and judgement to stamp out and I 100% have my own fair share or regrets. For example it took me 2 years to tell my parents and family and even then it was a split second decision after my parents had found images of male bodies and faces, as well as fanfiction. Eventhough I could have easily excused either discovery, I fessed up on the spot and since then I’ve not looked back much. I see it as what it was, it happened and I’m happy it did However I do wish I had the courage to them sooner. It’s quite frightening that i found it easier to tell 500 students and more than I did find telling my parents.

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Let’s chat about the stigma surrounding the LGBTQIA+ community? 

So a few week back I was listening to a song on YouTube that gave me hope and the strength that I needed to get through certain days, and yeah it was an anthem for us, as well as any other set backs, for example mental illness or physical illness. It’s a great song anyway and gives me courage. I was scrolling through the comments, as you do, to see how everybody else viewed it. Seeing as though it is an anthem you could expect people talking about how it affects us and I read on from that comment, whilst some triggered little shark girl (sounds like she’s a 12 year old troll lbh) was being explicitly abusive to the community and I knew I had to attempt to reason with her,I started off casually being polite as you do and she got quite abusive (surprising I know, not!) 

Her attitude and point of view was simply disgusting and lacked humanity in my opinion and I feel like she disgraced everybody else of our race with her way of seeing things, especially with her obvious immaturity. I was saddened towards the end, however to see somebody suggest we stop striving to fit in and be whole. Just like I was with sharkies opinion on our rights. It’s strongly not just about rights for ourselves (as individuals) we want rights for all of us, all around the world! We want the freedom to be ourselves, without being judged or frowned at, we want to abolish the judgemental comments and the stereotypes of all things! The expectations before we’ve opened up that we’re so and so!