Just going to clear a few things up. – Trigger Warning

First if you’re reading this then please watch the video. There’s no other way to put it other than that way. https://youtu.be/tKaQd6-tlUw

Contrary to popular belief, suicide is not a spur of the moment decision. The process of thought can take anytime between days and even years. For a person to suddenly decide to commit is the general image behind suicide that society has imposed on us, never once do we mention the hours of thought put behind the act, a person puts into it. Nor do we mention how said person usually comes up with alternative reliefs before the end game and the continuous balance of positives and negatives they weigh up. Suicide isn’t all hearts and roses, its bloodshed and tears. 

The truth is I have thoughts of killing myself at least 5 times a day – on a good one. And on a bad day, even more. I’m not scared of dying, I’m mostly bored if not tired of living a half life. I’m smarter than that however, and it’s just thoughts. But I know I’m strong enough to do so, and I lack no remorse for it, it’s too easy to be honest. There’s tutorials on nooses,I could hang myself from a tree, I could slit my wrists easiest of them all actually! There’s also bleach, I could jump from somewhere or drown. 

I’m bored of the life I live. People compare me to Hannah Baker and ask me if I did it, who would be my reasons. In actual fact I probably wouldn’t leave a note behind, because you can’t write a suicide note to yourself, or to life even. I don’t feel anything mostly, I can’t cry because I lack the feelings so I laugh instead and pretend I’m fine, I make jokes and every depressed word that comes out my mouth is a plea for help.

Last week I went missing, people only care when you could be dead. But no I say sorting things but it’s normal, I could kill myself tomorrow and everybody would love me for 3 days and then never mention my name again.

Before I finish I don’t want sympathy, none at all just recognition that I’m not okay. And I definitely don’t want any are you okay. 

Dark Place

I’m in a dark place and I’m struggling, struggling to even get out of bed, struggling to work through my day. I’ve lost myself and certainly my spirit, I need help. I have no direction and my soul is empty, just crying out for help. I NEED some motivation, some joy in the sheltered and shadowed life I lead, I’m depressed, genuinely this time, even though it has been genuine for the past 3/4 years But I feel it for real now – I’m not sad, nor am I happy, I’m not feeling self-conscious or ashamed, just completely empty. I want all of it to just get up and walk out the door, leave forever but I know that’s not exactly possible.

You see the thing is with a mental illness, there’s no cure and even worse – there’s no way for sure that other people can understand and identify the fact you have one because it’s all up there inside your head where nobody else can go. Therefore it’s harder for other people to comprehend or even sympathize. I have work to do, but I can’t because I will have a sudden strong surge of motivation that leads me out of my bed and towards my desk, I turn my computer on and open my coursework; I start to do my coursework and sit there for an hour but I’ve only really written about 10-30 words and even then it’s gibberish. I see the reality of it and realize it’s never going to be perfect like I need it to, and like a cycle, I’m back in my bed again, physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I lay there alone, in broad daylight with my curtains open, just hoping and wishing for a change, it doesn’t come and neither does sleep (yet), I turn on my tablet and play some music which I just rest and cry to.

My next point, my life’s a mess and even technology hates me; my phones just randomly stopped working and as sad as it sounds it was my best friend. I haven’t a clue how it happened but slowly it’s just stopped charging and now it won’t charge at all, but then it’s probably just an analogy of my life story, isn’t it? How in the beginning I was full of battery and charge, then overtime all the shit and happiness just got pushed into to me, like how you would charge a phone and leave it on for too long and overcharge the battery. Then over time, the battery starts to break because of the overuse, and suddenly one day it’s broke and surprise surprise the phones dead.

What happens after that, or before the final date actually? With life, you cannot just go to the shops and buy a new one, or even a new spirit like you would a new charger or battery. You first have to identify the issue, which may as well be impossible with a mental illness, then there’s the issue when you have multiple and even so they aren’t obvious, apart from depression and anxiety. It’s worse, however, because depression and anxiety are polar opposites; depression has you wanting, to not worry about everything and just lay in bed all day. On the other hand, anxiety has you worrying about everything and you can’t find a balance.

It’s awful that society has put a label on us that states on girls have depression and anxiety. That only girl’s self-harm and commit. That’s only because society tells men they aren’t allowed to be anything but masculine, brave, bold and independent. men aren’t allowed to feel and are strictly forbidden from asking for help. Even more so there are stereotypes restricting us every day, if you’re from an estate you’re not going to get anywhere in life because your poor and you don’t deserve respect If you’re fat you’re not good enough, and how society only cares if you’re rich, skinny, popular, pretty or dead. How if man has a different personality e.g. he’s feminine a label is placed on him (gay), how heterosexual males can put a label on their friendships but how LGBTQ can not create their own labels (double standards I know!) All we think about in this day and age is comparisons, and we only accept the rich and more wealthy. We look up to celebrities like they’re a godsend and we need to be like them. All we care about is fancy clothes and expensive cars; footballers get paid millions to kick a ball about, whilst they’re thousands if not millions of doctors out there saving lives every day, trying their best and having to tell parents their children have died, but nope we’ve decided to underpay them. Soldiers fighting for their lives everyday, and families always thinking of the worst but again we underpay them. Am I crazy for thinking this, but isn’t this world just a backward piece of shit or what?