I hate mental illness, period. I often glorify mental illness, period. It’s easier for myself to think about the positive side of mental illness, and in reality, I know mental illness has no positive side. In fact, all this time I’ve convinced myself that I’ve learnt something from it and that it helped me become a better person. Fuck that! The truth is, it is the mental illness that has created the negative side of life in the first place. The low self-esteem, the trust issues, the general + social anxiety I don’t even notice often anymore even though its a 500kg weight tied around my abdomen, it just stays hidden because “I’m used to it”!
“IM USED TO IT!” FOR FUCK SAKE! Do I even need to comment on this too frequently used: the phrase that it is now carved into my tongue, and just slips out from my lips, and often fingers too much? It’s really this simple: if you don’t have a clue what that phrase means then you really have no reason to be reading this post, period.
You can probably imagine the frustrated tone, seeping through my words, bursting from my soul reading this, that’s because I’m simply exhausted with the burden that a mental illness is, nevermind having 2: depression and anxiety – 2 mental illnesses that pose as the polar opposite of each other.
Mental illness stops me from doing physical exercise because it sucks up all the motivation inside of me and just leaves it with blank emptiness and tiredness. But then t also causes me to look in the mirror and want to cry because I can’t have a 6 pack, and everybody else has a 6 pack – therefore I’m different, and therefore people will dislike me – therefore I need to exercise – but I can because I have no motivation – so I look in the mirror again. It’s a loop that never stops and gets worse every single day.
Mental illness is getting 5 hours of sleep on a night, feeling tired, getting 8 hours, 9 hours, 12 hours, 17 hours, 79 hours sleep. AND FEELING PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY TIRED 24/FUCkiNG7. PERIOD!
It’s because of this you go to school every day exhausted, not being able to do given tasks because you’re too exhausted, lacking motivation, not understanding the work, but that gets you annoyed all over again. Depression hits its work, you beat yourself up inside and just squash it up into a ball in the pit of your stomach, and it sits there for a while. It is hating yourself and feeling tired, because of something that is beyond your control.
Its anxiety telling you-you’re going to fail 24/7. It’s anxiety telling you your friends all hate you and feel sorry for you. That every teacher in school hates you for something you don’t even know. It’s the universe screaming at you every second of the day for existing. In reality, it’s all just a lie, a figure of your imagination, and it all happens the next day.
Because of all this for 5 hours a day you get to the end of the day, restless and wanting to break down in your bed – your safe space, sleep or burst into to tears at best, SH at worst. And at night you go to bed 4 hours early so you can get to sleep on time to get 8 hours of sleep, but your brain has its way and keeps you awake for 6 hours and you only get 5 hours sleep. Thank you anxiety, and depression. Thank you because now it’s an infinite loop that can continue forever if it doesn’t get worse that is. If it doesn’t patronize you so much, you end up finally giving up – be it life, or your education, or you’re future.
I’d like to give a great round of appalause to mental illness and an ever bigger Thank you, much apreciated. Love you lots MI, definitely couldn’t live without you!!!!