I’m tired.

I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m passing by. The past month has passed by ever so slowly. Wake up just to to go back to sleep. Drag myself out of bed because I have to. Sit in a classroom and force my pen to paper and mentally squeeze anything I can out, which as it happens is the bare minimal. Same thing different day. Wake up at 5 in the morning, have coffee sit around for an hour moping, shower spend another hour getting ready because I’m tired and cba. Spend an hour commuting to school via school bus. I want to isolate myself from the stupidity surrounding me so I plug in my music and pull up my hood. I mentally dim the lights and drown out their voices. In that moment I’m safe and nobody can hurt me. I throw myself of the bus with a grateful thank you to the bus driver and throw myself through the school gates. I force a smile upon my face and blink away the tears with a beavy facade of ‘mutual happiness’ – where in the reality of it most of us are done with life and we’re all tired.

I hide my pain under an illusion of fake happiness and petty humour. I annoy my friends or argue with them subliminally. It started off as a joke originally, a few years back, to numb the pain, and now it’s an uncontrollable, mess, that won’t stop. I slowly wither away in plain sight but nobody notices.

The day finishes and I commute home with the heavy feeling still weighing me down. I get home and climb into bed. And I’m out like a light, not necessarily asleep but I’m at home. Sinking into my made up fantasy to escape reality. I plug my music in abd drown out my sorrows. Eventually I fall asleep to the mellow tune. I wake up, eat, throw up some homework and skeep. It’s 5 in the morning and it repreats itself all over again.

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End of the road?

Within life there eventually comes a point when time has stopped whizzing and gradually the time before meets the present all in one swoop and you’re stuck. There’s no seperation between what was, is and will be and the 3 periods are blurred. There comes upon a time where in the hardship has rounded you down and bumped you up a few too many times and there’s finally nothing left worth fighting for. Even though you looked for signs in the smallest things to stay strong before its now a constant battle of staying awake and breathing. Falling asleep before you fall apart. But how does a million pieces of a teapot break even further, does one lose a few pieces here and there? Or do they lose it all? Do they mend it with superglue and paint over the scars of the shattered pieces. Some people take 80 years some take 16 it’s all the basis of nature. The survival of the fittest, i guess some people were born to die earlier than the rest.

Small update

If I’m correct I last posted on Saturday. I’ve got no groundbreaking news nor have I invented some new life changing 2technological advancement.

The days have been a bit dull since, though I will say my moods have continued to bounce everywhere and I’m still getting triggered by the slightest things. Hey, nothing new there. I’ll start off by saying that the weekend wasn’t great if I weren’t upset about Thursdays events I was ashamed of the way I’d been behaving for the past 2 months or I was being jealous of something or another. On Sunday I got into a heated discussion with a friend because they called me a “pleb” and a “dope” as a joke and I’m still taking offense at the silliest things. School is still shit, god forbid i say it 😂. On the bright side I paid for my prom ticket, not that I’m actually excited to go. I just have a sinking feeling in my gut I will regret it if I don’t go. As I was saying school is still shit, the days continue to drag, my brain continues to be filled with an emptiness and my self expression has just blew out of the window. My self image hasn’t been too damaged – in the fact it’s had worse moments. It’s just not as good as it was last week.

This morning I woke up holy exhausted almost like a truck had ran over me. I could’nt be bothered to get out of bed or anything and I felt sick to the skin.and bones. My wake up coffee didn’t help neither did my morning shower. That was fun. The school journey was…… Well actually I could’nt tell you because I honestly don’t remember. And the 1st 2 hours sucked. I think I did average on my chemistry test and I did horrendously in my English question answer. It took me half of the given time to figure out how nature was portrayed and the best answer i could come up with was “In this poem Nature has been portrayed as being a powerful force to be reckoned with” – because that isn’t a primary school answer.

Primary school used to be so easy. Free milk and biscuits all around, linger breaktomes, less stress, less slags, arrogant men and no hierarchy of popularity. In addition to that is the fact we only had to worry about missing a hit in rounders or singing assemblies. God do I miss the goid old days. The days when life was perfectly sweet for all, or it was so in comparison to now. Back to wgen I didn’t know the word “anxiety” was a thing and “depression” was a sadness that stuck around for a long time for no reason. I knew what I were feeling back then even wasn’t basic sadness bit never would i have imagined it to the extent it could be.

Sometimes I do ponder heniously on my true path. I ponder on what my role on Earth is. Is it to end my life before I reach 18? Is it to become Prime Minister? Or to live on the streets or in a 1 bed council flat and take my daily dose of cocaïne? Life hasn’t been kind to me just yet. For every good thing I’m given I believe I’m given another 3 bad things. I wonder what that is supposed to change. A friend once told me the cliché quote “you were given this life, because you’re strong enough to live it” but i don’t understand. Whats the point surving a battle yo come out with half a kneee, an eyeball and 7 fongers? What’s yoyr use in life then when you’re already broken goods.

Eventually that precious and fragile china set sat on granny Susans shelf will break. It will shatter into a thousand pieces and even though you can glue the pieces back together you will still always know the broken chapter. Or a mirror. – 7 years of bad luck. Is that because “trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see that crack in that mother fuckers reflection”.Reflection; the exact word I would use. You don’t expect a withered soul to move on and forget everything do you? They are always going to reflect on the past unless they’re the happiest person on Earth, but for the broken that’s something we only see in fairy tales.

Dont we all just want our own happy little fairytale ending?

Been a difficult past 2 months. 

This past month has probably obviously shown to people how difficult i can be and how far my ups and downs can go. My emotions have been all over the place, from extreme anger to bitter melancholy or to absolutely nothing at all. My anxiety has been really bad and I clearly haven’t handled it well. I’ve had quite a few major break downs and a lot of harsh things have been said. My head has been a mess and I haven’t known how to handle it. I’ve cried, screamed and suppressed feelings. I have this feeling I should probably go on medication because I really don’t know how much more I can take of these mood flips. I’m tired constantly and my brain is just empty, I’ve not been able to complete school work to anywhere near my best ability and possibly not even near good standard too. I’m really struggling to keep a hold of myself. I cant explain it.

There’s a war inside my head and I have 7 sides battling each other. The tides are constantly changing and I can’t keep up with them because they flip too quickly. I have to put up with the backlash. Everytime I’ve had a breakdown I’ve not remembered what has happened. I’m losing myself, my family and my friends and I’m just hiting self destruction. How does one go about supressing 7 battles inside their head? How? I really dont think I can do this anymore I’m breaking slowly and eventually I’m just going to snap. I’m terrified. I need help. Help! How the fuck do I get help? I’m crying out for help so much and nobody is realising. I cant do this. 😢 

I’ve put up with far too much for 5 years and each year gets worse. Whats the point going on if its just going to get worse each year I’ve said it will get better I just have to be patient.  Ooo you have uni in ___ years live for that. Ooooo your brother loves you, live for him. But i cant because this battle inside my head is ruining me and Im taking it out on everybody I know.  My sister thinks I hate her, god knows my friends should hate me. I’m failing in all my subjects. I’m never going to be happy. Everytime i find something to be happy anout something comes along and ruins it. 

I will never have a best friend who will be there for me forever, I’m not ever going to have kids. I’m never having a partner who I will marry and live happy ever after with. All i will ever know is abuse and mistrust and jealousy. I’m always going to be the outcast who can’t control themselves. 

I cant believe I was saying I was depressed in year 5. I was never mentally great to be honest but I wasn’t as badly depressed then as i am now. And my anxiety wasn’t as bad. 

I think I have bpd. I match the criteria to a T and it just explains it all. I dont just have a mix of depression and anxiety. My moods and perception of life and everybody i know swings 360° 24/7. I start of the day happy and loving everybody and within an hour I’m verbally throwing knives at everybody I know. 

I’ve lost my personality to the illness. I cant even remember who the real me is anymore.  Now I just use humour to keep me alive. I get lost in fiction and fandoms to distance myself from the reality that is in my head. I’m not even bothered who I make laugh anymore as long as it lessens the wound for me and intoxicates me I’m good. I dont care if it upsets anybody anymore as long as it convinces me the pain isn’t there. I’ve started going for desperate measures now. 

I fucking hate mental illness!!

I hate mental illness, period. I often glorify mental illness, period. It’s easier for myself to think about the positive side of mental illness, and in reality, I know mental illness has no positive side. In fact, all this time I’ve convinced myself that I’ve learnt something from it and that it helped me become a better person. Fuck that! The truth is, it is the mental illness that has created the negative side of life in the first place. The low self-esteem, the trust issues, the general + social anxiety I don’t even notice often anymore even though its a 500kg weight tied around my abdomen, it just stays hidden because “I’m used to it”!

“IM USED TO IT!” FOR FUCK SAKE! Do I even need to comment on this too frequently used: the phrase that it is now carved into my tongue, and just slips out from my lips, and often fingers too much? It’s really this simple: if you don’t have a clue what that phrase means then you really have no reason to be reading this post, period.

You can probably imagine the frustrated tone, seeping through my words, bursting from my soul reading this, that’s because I’m simply exhausted with the burden that a mental illness is, nevermind having 2: depression and anxiety – 2 mental illnesses that pose as the polar opposite of each other.

Mental illness stops me from doing physical exercise because it sucks up all the motivation inside of me and just leaves it with blank emptiness and tiredness. But then t also causes me to look in the mirror and want to cry because I can’t have a 6 pack, and everybody else has a 6 pack – therefore I’m different, and therefore people will dislike me – therefore I need to exercise – but I can because I have no motivation – so I look in the mirror again. It’s a loop that never stops and gets worse every single day.

Mental illness is getting 5 hours of sleep on a night, feeling tired, getting 8 hours, 9 hours, 12 hours, 17 hours, 79 hours sleep. AND FEELING PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY TIRED 24/FUCkiNG7. PERIOD!

It’s because of this you go to school every day exhausted, not being able to do given tasks because you’re too exhausted, lacking motivation, not understanding the work, but that gets you annoyed all over again. Depression hits its work, you beat yourself up inside and just squash it up into a ball in the pit of your stomach, and it sits there for a while. It is hating yourself and feeling tired, because of something that is beyond your control.

Its anxiety telling you-you’re going to fail 24/7. It’s anxiety telling you your friends all hate you and feel sorry for you. That every teacher in school hates you for something you don’t even know. It’s the universe screaming at you every second of the day for existing. In reality, it’s all just a lie, a  figure of your imagination, and it all happens the next day.

Because of all this for 5 hours a day you get to the end of the day, restless and wanting to break down in your bed – your safe space, sleep or burst into to tears at best, SH at worst. And at night you go to bed 4 hours early so you can get to sleep on time to get 8 hours of sleep, but your brain has its way and keeps you awake for 6 hours and you only get 5 hours sleep. Thank you anxiety, and depression. Thank you because now it’s an infinite loop that can continue forever if it doesn’t get worse that is. If it doesn’t patronize you so much, you end up finally giving up – be it life, or your education, or you’re future.

I’d like to give a great round of appalause to mental illness and an ever bigger Thank you, much apreciated. Love you lots MI, definitely couldn’t live without you!!!!

Just going to clear a few things up. – Trigger Warning

First if you’re reading this then please watch the video. There’s no other way to put it other than that way. https://youtu.be/tKaQd6-tlUw

Contrary to popular belief, suicide is not a spur of the moment decision. The process of thought can take anytime between days and even years. For a person to suddenly decide to commit is the general image behind suicide that society has imposed on us, never once do we mention the hours of thought put behind the act, a person puts into it. Nor do we mention how said person usually comes up with alternative reliefs before the end game and the continuous balance of positives and negatives they weigh up. Suicide isn’t all hearts and roses, its bloodshed and tears. 

The truth is I have thoughts of killing myself at least 5 times a day – on a good one. And on a bad day, even more. I’m not scared of dying, I’m mostly bored if not tired of living a half life. I’m smarter than that however, and it’s just thoughts. But I know I’m strong enough to do so, and I lack no remorse for it, it’s too easy to be honest. There’s tutorials on nooses,I could hang myself from a tree, I could slit my wrists easiest of them all actually! There’s also bleach, I could jump from somewhere or drown. 

I’m bored of the life I live. People compare me to Hannah Baker and ask me if I did it, who would be my reasons. In actual fact I probably wouldn’t leave a note behind, because you can’t write a suicide note to yourself, or to life even. I don’t feel anything mostly, I can’t cry because I lack the feelings so I laugh instead and pretend I’m fine, I make jokes and every depressed word that comes out my mouth is a plea for help.

Last week I went missing, people only care when you could be dead. But no I say sorting things but it’s normal, I could kill myself tomorrow and everybody would love me for 3 days and then never mention my name again.

Before I finish I don’t want sympathy, none at all just recognition that I’m not okay. And I definitely don’t want any are you okay. 

Dark Place

I’m in a dark place and I’m struggling, struggling to even get out of bed, struggling to work through my day. I’ve lost myself and certainly my spirit, I need help. I have no direction and my soul is empty, just crying out for help. I NEED some motivation, some joy in the sheltered and shadowed life I lead, I’m depressed, genuinely this time, even though it has been genuine for the past 3/4 years But I feel it for real now – I’m not sad, nor am I happy, I’m not feeling self-conscious or ashamed, just completely empty. I want all of it to just get up and walk out the door, leave forever but I know that’s not exactly possible.

You see the thing is with a mental illness, there’s no cure and even worse – there’s no way for sure that other people can understand and identify the fact you have one because it’s all up there inside your head where nobody else can go. Therefore it’s harder for other people to comprehend or even sympathize. I have work to do, but I can’t because I will have a sudden strong surge of motivation that leads me out of my bed and towards my desk, I turn my computer on and open my coursework; I start to do my coursework and sit there for an hour but I’ve only really written about 10-30 words and even then it’s gibberish. I see the reality of it and realize it’s never going to be perfect like I need it to, and like a cycle, I’m back in my bed again, physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I lay there alone, in broad daylight with my curtains open, just hoping and wishing for a change, it doesn’t come and neither does sleep (yet), I turn on my tablet and play some music which I just rest and cry to.

My next point, my life’s a mess and even technology hates me; my phones just randomly stopped working and as sad as it sounds it was my best friend. I haven’t a clue how it happened but slowly it’s just stopped charging and now it won’t charge at all, but then it’s probably just an analogy of my life story, isn’t it? How in the beginning I was full of battery and charge, then overtime all the shit and happiness just got pushed into to me, like how you would charge a phone and leave it on for too long and overcharge the battery. Then over time, the battery starts to break because of the overuse, and suddenly one day it’s broke and surprise surprise the phones dead.

What happens after that, or before the final date actually? With life, you cannot just go to the shops and buy a new one, or even a new spirit like you would a new charger or battery. You first have to identify the issue, which may as well be impossible with a mental illness, then there’s the issue when you have multiple and even so they aren’t obvious, apart from depression and anxiety. It’s worse, however, because depression and anxiety are polar opposites; depression has you wanting, to not worry about everything and just lay in bed all day. On the other hand, anxiety has you worrying about everything and you can’t find a balance.

It’s awful that society has put a label on us that states on girls have depression and anxiety. That only girl’s self-harm and commit. That’s only because society tells men they aren’t allowed to be anything but masculine, brave, bold and independent. men aren’t allowed to feel and are strictly forbidden from asking for help. Even more so there are stereotypes restricting us every day, if you’re from an estate you’re not going to get anywhere in life because your poor and you don’t deserve respect If you’re fat you’re not good enough, and how society only cares if you’re rich, skinny, popular, pretty or dead. How if man has a different personality e.g. he’s feminine a label is placed on him (gay), how heterosexual males can put a label on their friendships but how LGBTQ can not create their own labels (double standards I know!) All we think about in this day and age is comparisons, and we only accept the rich and more wealthy. We look up to celebrities like they’re a godsend and we need to be like them. All we care about is fancy clothes and expensive cars; footballers get paid millions to kick a ball about, whilst they’re thousands if not millions of doctors out there saving lives every day, trying their best and having to tell parents their children have died, but nope we’ve decided to underpay them. Soldiers fighting for their lives everyday, and families always thinking of the worst but again we underpay them. Am I crazy for thinking this, but isn’t this world just a backward piece of shit or what?