7 steps forward 3/10 back.

I want to change things up a little bit on my blog. Since recently, nope. For a while now, I’ve had a rather pessimistic attitude towards everything, and a deep sense of melancholy.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I’m entirely happy and over the moin because the reality is I’m far from it. I’ve had polar opposite mood fluctuations from regret, bitter hate and vindictive rage – to reminiscent happiness, pride, and euphoric love. Instead I would like to look for the light amongst the blackest shadows, for once.

Let me just give you a little context.

I’m Nathan, I’m a gay, 16 year old male who has anxiety and other yet to be diagnosed mental illness. But the mental illness is insignificant to this discussion. On Mondays I go to this support group for LGBT+, where we have lengthy worthwhile discussions of life, the universe and everything in between. Today our topic discussion was what is good about being gay, my answer was the pride and individuality that is beholden to me. I also love how to the best of my known I was one of the 1st openly gay students of my year and below.

If there is one thing I can be proud of it is the way I feel I laid the foundations for the freedom to be a unique individual. I don’t want to say to be LGBT either, because it isn’t just that community.

I stood up tall without breaking composure time, and time again with the crown upon my head and held the self respect to be myself. I never let anybody dull my shine, and I handled the disrespect and fear from other people with enough intellect. The strange questions were handled to the best of my ability. To this day I am openly gay, and I aim to shine light on all my peers who are and to help them escape the proverbial curtains holding back their true self.

I have never been the most popular in my year, obviously. But I stood talk against at least 30 people, broadcasting my indifference to their attitude. I showed them no fear. If I can show all those people that I weren’t backing down from the fight, then I could show the whole year. That is besides the fact that it did result in everybody knowing. I would like to think I bled into them the small bit of acceptance they now have, that has now allowed lots of others to come out. So far I can think of about 10, with at least half coming from my year who are officially out in public. This feels like a major achievement to me as it completely contrasts against the 1 person whom was me originally.

However, saying that we still have a long way to progress and a lot of misguided and judgement to stamp out and I 100% have my own fair share or regrets. For example it took me 2 years to tell my parents and family and even then it was a split second decision after my parents had found images of male bodies and faces, as well as fanfiction. Eventhough I could have easily excused either discovery, I fessed up on the spot and since then I’ve not looked back much. I see it as what it was, it happened and I’m happy it did However I do wish I had the courage to them sooner. It’s quite frightening that i found it easier to tell 500 students and more than I did find telling my parents.

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I’m tired.

I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m passing by. The past month has passed by ever so slowly. Wake up just to to go back to sleep. Drag myself out of bed because I have to. Sit in a classroom and force my pen to paper and mentally squeeze anything I can out, which as it happens is the bare minimal. Same thing different day. Wake up at 5 in the morning, have coffee sit around for an hour moping, shower spend another hour getting ready because I’m tired and cba. Spend an hour commuting to school via school bus. I want to isolate myself from the stupidity surrounding me so I plug in my music and pull up my hood. I mentally dim the lights and drown out their voices. In that moment I’m safe and nobody can hurt me. I throw myself of the bus with a grateful thank you to the bus driver and throw myself through the school gates. I force a smile upon my face and blink away the tears with a beavy facade of ‘mutual happiness’ – where in the reality of it most of us are done with life and we’re all tired.

I hide my pain under an illusion of fake happiness and petty humour. I annoy my friends or argue with them subliminally. It started off as a joke originally, a few years back, to numb the pain, and now it’s an uncontrollable, mess, that won’t stop. I slowly wither away in plain sight but nobody notices.

The day finishes and I commute home with the heavy feeling still weighing me down. I get home and climb into bed. And I’m out like a light, not necessarily asleep but I’m at home. Sinking into my made up fantasy to escape reality. I plug my music in abd drown out my sorrows. Eventually I fall asleep to the mellow tune. I wake up, eat, throw up some homework and skeep. It’s 5 in the morning and it repreats itself all over again.

Small update

If I’m correct I last posted on Saturday. I’ve got no groundbreaking news nor have I invented some new life changing 2technological advancement.

The days have been a bit dull since, though I will say my moods have continued to bounce everywhere and I’m still getting triggered by the slightest things. Hey, nothing new there. I’ll start off by saying that the weekend wasn’t great if I weren’t upset about Thursdays events I was ashamed of the way I’d been behaving for the past 2 months or I was being jealous of something or another. On Sunday I got into a heated discussion with a friend because they called me a “pleb” and a “dope” as a joke and I’m still taking offense at the silliest things. School is still shit, god forbid i say it 😂. On the bright side I paid for my prom ticket, not that I’m actually excited to go. I just have a sinking feeling in my gut I will regret it if I don’t go. As I was saying school is still shit, the days continue to drag, my brain continues to be filled with an emptiness and my self expression has just blew out of the window. My self image hasn’t been too damaged – in the fact it’s had worse moments. It’s just not as good as it was last week.

This morning I woke up holy exhausted almost like a truck had ran over me. I could’nt be bothered to get out of bed or anything and I felt sick to the skin.and bones. My wake up coffee didn’t help neither did my morning shower. That was fun. The school journey was…… Well actually I could’nt tell you because I honestly don’t remember. And the 1st 2 hours sucked. I think I did average on my chemistry test and I did horrendously in my English question answer. It took me half of the given time to figure out how nature was portrayed and the best answer i could come up with was “In this poem Nature has been portrayed as being a powerful force to be reckoned with” – because that isn’t a primary school answer.

Primary school used to be so easy. Free milk and biscuits all around, linger breaktomes, less stress, less slags, arrogant men and no hierarchy of popularity. In addition to that is the fact we only had to worry about missing a hit in rounders or singing assemblies. God do I miss the goid old days. The days when life was perfectly sweet for all, or it was so in comparison to now. Back to wgen I didn’t know the word “anxiety” was a thing and “depression” was a sadness that stuck around for a long time for no reason. I knew what I were feeling back then even wasn’t basic sadness bit never would i have imagined it to the extent it could be.

Sometimes I do ponder heniously on my true path. I ponder on what my role on Earth is. Is it to end my life before I reach 18? Is it to become Prime Minister? Or to live on the streets or in a 1 bed council flat and take my daily dose of cocaïne? Life hasn’t been kind to me just yet. For every good thing I’m given I believe I’m given another 3 bad things. I wonder what that is supposed to change. A friend once told me the cliché quote “you were given this life, because you’re strong enough to live it” but i don’t understand. Whats the point surving a battle yo come out with half a kneee, an eyeball and 7 fongers? What’s yoyr use in life then when you’re already broken goods.

Eventually that precious and fragile china set sat on granny Susans shelf will break. It will shatter into a thousand pieces and even though you can glue the pieces back together you will still always know the broken chapter. Or a mirror. – 7 years of bad luck. Is that because “trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see that crack in that mother fuckers reflection”.Reflection; the exact word I would use. You don’t expect a withered soul to move on and forget everything do you? They are always going to reflect on the past unless they’re the happiest person on Earth, but for the broken that’s something we only see in fairy tales.

Dont we all just want our own happy little fairytale ending?

Been a difficult past 2 months. 

This past month has probably obviously shown to people how difficult i can be and how far my ups and downs can go. My emotions have been all over the place, from extreme anger to bitter melancholy or to absolutely nothing at all. My anxiety has been really bad and I clearly haven’t handled it well. I’ve had quite a few major break downs and a lot of harsh things have been said. My head has been a mess and I haven’t known how to handle it. I’ve cried, screamed and suppressed feelings. I have this feeling I should probably go on medication because I really don’t know how much more I can take of these mood flips. I’m tired constantly and my brain is just empty, I’ve not been able to complete school work to anywhere near my best ability and possibly not even near good standard too. I’m really struggling to keep a hold of myself. I cant explain it.

There’s a war inside my head and I have 7 sides battling each other. The tides are constantly changing and I can’t keep up with them because they flip too quickly. I have to put up with the backlash. Everytime I’ve had a breakdown I’ve not remembered what has happened. I’m losing myself, my family and my friends and I’m just hiting self destruction. How does one go about supressing 7 battles inside their head? How? I really dont think I can do this anymore I’m breaking slowly and eventually I’m just going to snap. I’m terrified. I need help. Help! How the fuck do I get help? I’m crying out for help so much and nobody is realising. I cant do this. 😢 

I’ve put up with far too much for 5 years and each year gets worse. Whats the point going on if its just going to get worse each year I’ve said it will get better I just have to be patient.  Ooo you have uni in ___ years live for that. Ooooo your brother loves you, live for him. But i cant because this battle inside my head is ruining me and Im taking it out on everybody I know.  My sister thinks I hate her, god knows my friends should hate me. I’m failing in all my subjects. I’m never going to be happy. Everytime i find something to be happy anout something comes along and ruins it. 

I will never have a best friend who will be there for me forever, I’m not ever going to have kids. I’m never having a partner who I will marry and live happy ever after with. All i will ever know is abuse and mistrust and jealousy. I’m always going to be the outcast who can’t control themselves. 

I cant believe I was saying I was depressed in year 5. I was never mentally great to be honest but I wasn’t as badly depressed then as i am now. And my anxiety wasn’t as bad. 

I think I have bpd. I match the criteria to a T and it just explains it all. I dont just have a mix of depression and anxiety. My moods and perception of life and everybody i know swings 360° 24/7. I start of the day happy and loving everybody and within an hour I’m verbally throwing knives at everybody I know. 

I’ve lost my personality to the illness. I cant even remember who the real me is anymore.  Now I just use humour to keep me alive. I get lost in fiction and fandoms to distance myself from the reality that is in my head. I’m not even bothered who I make laugh anymore as long as it lessens the wound for me and intoxicates me I’m good. I dont care if it upsets anybody anymore as long as it convinces me the pain isn’t there. I’ve started going for desperate measures now. 

Disconnected: Disastrous? Delirious?

As the title suggests I’ve recently been disconnected, just not in the way I would usually be. Usually, I would be disconnected from the outer world, from happiness and disconnected from my very own personality. This often means I’m disconnected from reality, from creativity and intellect – thus causing me to often say irrational things, think irrational thoughts and do irrational things. For once in my ‘sad little life’; insert a hint of sarcasm; I’m actually disconnected from all things that made me feel like a wreck. I’m disconnected from the usual depression, anxiety, distress, stress even however unpleasantly I’m still not disconnected from ‘Insomnia’. The tables have turned, insomnia this time has been caused by excitement, excitement to watch tv series, excitement to play Sims; insert eye roll; excitement to read and excitement to carry on with the next day’s activities. I do think it feels good.

However, I can sense the signs of impending doom, of all the past events taking over, taking over my mindset, and the clocks turning back – anything just to tip me over the edge. I can feel them, it’s hard to understand what that means, but strangely enough, I can emotionally, physically and mentally “literally” feel ‘it’ trying to take over, and it takes all of my will just to suppress the force of it. I push it to the back of my mind, which only allows it to build up over time. By knowledge of experience I know that due to the events that will take place in September, and the sudden change in the environment my anxiety will take a turn for the worst, and I’ll most likely be back to the start. The holidays have been pretty great so far, but I can’t help but feel lonely. I’ve said before; time and time again, that I have no true friends. Which in essence is true, depending on your definition. Most people have a group of friends they can rely on, a group of friends they can trust, who they are loyal to because likewise, their friends are loyal to them, a group of friends that talk to them outside of school and meet with them…. and others have a tiny group, and even fewer people have that 1 friend, that 1 best friend they can rely on. Ultimately I have none of that, it’s just me and has been since year 8. I had the closest thing to a best friend back when I was 10, sounds childish, it really does… hey I swear I’m still a child at heart, but things seriously got in between us and eventually I moved, snapping the final string bonding us together. Then it happened again I became friends with a girl my first day in year 7, she was my best friend for 2 years. We bonded when I ‘nearly’ got us both killed, when in actual fact I just ran across a road without looking and she followed, which she incidentally calls nearly getting us killed. Things just got in the way, my other friends, and we honestly just brought the worst out in each other, from experience two likes repel, and we were just too similar. Funnily enough, I also had another best friend during year 7 and I actually think we became friends the same day too, it also didn’t work out, it could have been that we were too much alike but I also believe that the opposition and dislike that everybody held for me probably persuaded him away, I even remember sitting at a table in the cafeteria and somebody interrogating him as to why he was sat near me, and another time him the person that interrogated him (also his best friend presumably ) also invited me to walk home with them due to me living near ‘my friends’ house, I held severe distrust at that proposition and assumed they were just going to run off and leave to figure the way out home by myself and declined.

Ironically these two best friends dated at one point or had some unspoken agreement between them that nobody knew about until one day he told me and I remembered her telling me to tell him she said yes, which I suspect was him asking her out. Undeniably it is all just speculation on my behalf but they both admitted it to me and later denied it.

It just goes to show I’m not cut out for a best friend or even friends, which often leaves me feeling lonely and I have to suppress it and pretend I don’t care. Where as in reality I do care and it makes me fear for the future because if I can’t hold a best friend now then how can I ever in the future? And isn’t a significant other/ partner actually just a best friend in hindsight? Does that mean I’ll be lonely forever? I’ve gone to the ends o the Earth and given everything I have just to secure friendship and even more to secure a best friend and in the end, I’ve pushed myself too hard to secure it and essentially just blown it all to pieces within the space of a very few, short, seconds.

I’ve gone off topic here and made it clear that in actual fact that I’m never going to be able to let go of the past. I’ve forgiven but honestly, I hate it but I’ve not forgotten and every once in a while a memory that I have lost just pops up out of nowhere and the blurred lines become unblurred and the jigsaws just form together, and the past events just become real again. It just makes me realize how much I’ve glossed over, and how much everybody else has glossed over and forgotten where it just haunts me, but I have to disregard it all because it’s in the past and everybody’s moved on and forgotten.

I don’t want to end it on this note so I’m going to try and create something new, that I’ve not spoken about before. Okay, I lied but I’m not going to get annoyed with myself. Truth be told barely any of my blog posts are my own ideas, they’re either spur of the moment decisions or I have to look for inspiration, usually in the form of an image, video or a quote. Some great quotes being: “stars can’t shine without darkness”, “just because my path is different doesn’t mean I’m lost”, “we accept the love we think we deserve” “difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations”, all which I will insert at the end, and more. I read them, and whilst reading them I smile like nothing else because they inspire me and motivate me. They tell me it’s not all just over yet, and persuade me to keep fighting. It’s like an award or medal for me, reading these give me recognition even though they are so generic that anybody can search the first page of google for them, but I always feel like they were made personally for me. Like Adele when she was given the Grammy that she snapped. They convince me to march on, keep fighting and doing what I’m doing, they motivate me to do it for myself, THE future, (not just mine), for my family for my friends, and for me, they motivate me and inspire me to help others. Thus every time I do help somebody else in a similar ditch I smile with pride because I know I’ve tried to make a significant difference and maybe it just worked, more over I know that if I keep it up I can continue to keep trying and I never give up hope that I could help. It gets unbearingly hard sometimes but I don’t have it in me to give up. I have a friend that has been going through all sorts of changed recently from anxiety, to minor depression, to emo, to transgender, to major depression, who incidentally tried to hurt themselves majorly once and no matter how hard they’ve tried to push me away I’ve never once given up hope. Not only that but I’ve cried myself at night because of the fear I felt for them, and it strives me to continue working at it, chipping away at the wall they’ve barricaded around themselves.

I’m going to end it here and just wondering if anybody has any ideas on what I could make my next blog post about.

Let’s chat about the stigma surrounding the LGBTQIA+ community? 

So a few week back I was listening to a song on YouTube that gave me hope and the strength that I needed to get through certain days, and yeah it was an anthem for us, as well as any other set backs, for example mental illness or physical illness. It’s a great song anyway and gives me courage. I was scrolling through the comments, as you do, to see how everybody else viewed it. Seeing as though it is an anthem you could expect people talking about how it affects us and I read on from that comment, whilst some triggered little shark girl (sounds like she’s a 12 year old troll lbh) was being explicitly abusive to the community and I knew I had to attempt to reason with her,I started off casually being polite as you do and she got quite abusive (surprising I know, not!) 

Her attitude and point of view was simply disgusting and lacked humanity in my opinion and I feel like she disgraced everybody else of our race with her way of seeing things, especially with her obvious immaturity. I was saddened towards the end, however to see somebody suggest we stop striving to fit in and be whole. Just like I was with sharkies opinion on our rights. It’s strongly not just about rights for ourselves (as individuals) we want rights for all of us, all around the world! We want the freedom to be ourselves, without being judged or frowned at, we want to abolish the judgemental comments and the stereotypes of all things! The expectations before we’ve opened up that we’re so and so!