I just need to write something down, because all I feel now is extreme rage , panic and hysteria. I’m not well, I’m mentally ill and I say it doesn’t define me but it does. It controls every aspect of my life; my friendships, my relationships with everybody in general, my feelings,my health, my safety. It controls my sleeping patterns, my thinking patterns, my eating patterns, my creativity and literally my intellect. It takes the slightest to trigger me. I saw a picture of a ‘friend’, a friend who I thought I could trust, a friend who defended against one of my best friends and nearly broke it off whilst doing so. I risked Laing all my friends, for them to hate me for this other friend. Now all they Fucking do is ignore me. All they do is walk away from me anytime I come bar them, pretend I don’t exist. It makes me feel so shit inside. So filled with pure utter rate that I feel like there is physically something inside me boiling my blood and organs, something inside me that made me just want to burst into tears. Something inside me that made me want to cut myself. I’ve been cleen for about a month now!!! I’m always going to be mentally ill and it’s so fucking hard. So fucking hard going about my day, every little breath and heartbeat is controlled by my illness. I’ve been depressed and had anxiety since I was 11, suicidal since before then. When does it stop? When do I get a chance to get happy, to live in peace? Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? Why?