I’d like to talk about two things especially tonight. 1) A new discovery and my research and 2) how I am not my illness but instead my illness is an explanation.
Due to browsing through YouTube I discovered a new possibility – but it’s a chance not a definitive option. Well anyway I came across a video on borderline personality disorders, and then across another video on bpd, and another. So I watched them. Then the gears started turning in my head, I want answers, I want to know why I experience all this in my head, so I can finally greet the roots of the problem. Due to my discovery I did my research, according to scientific studies and bpd tests it’s a major possibility. I have the symptoms and the cause is simple. But onnthe other hand it’s just another possibility and god is it difficult differentiating between them. Anxiety, is simple it’s easy to identify. It took me a few attacks to realise. But with depression it’s difficult because it’s usually a side effect of everything else, it could be full on depression or it could be BPD or even bipolar. I can hands down say I’ve felt it all, had all the symptoms and thought it was all of them. In year 8 I had ‘minor depression’ and anxiety, but in year 9, things got major. I still had the anxiety but the depression got worse. Now this year, during September I felt the symptoms of Bipolar, I had weeks of hating myself and everyone, and thinking I couldn’t do anything, with sleep 24/7, to no sleep and thinking I could take on the world. Believing I could get higher test results than even the smartest in my class. And recently I’ve received the symptoms of BPD, I hate everyone all of a sudden especially my parents, god knows why. My energy levels have been chaos, and I’ve felt soo void, so empty.
Then thinking back, it’s exactly the same with 1 other person. In the past I’ve either hated them or them or loved them like they’re the best thing since sliced bread: when in reality I don’t even know them. As well in year 9 I continuously pushed everybody away to stop myself from getting left out and alone. Due to that fact I’ve caused vigorous arguments with people and stirred massive drama, I’ve pushed everyone away to give myself time,or to lessen the blow from the grenade I hold inside me. But then again isn’t that just a side effect of depression and suicidal thoughts? Let me tell you a secret – I’ve been suicidal since at least year 7, probably since year 6 tbh.
I also want to talk about, or try to convince myself; that I’m not my illness and that I can allow myself to be better. I’ve recently just gave in to it. Let the monster inside take over, I haven’t tried to fight it. But I know I should. I honestly don’t remember the past weekend to it taking over. I’ve purchased a fidget cube from Amazon but I don’t know how long it will take to come, it should help me a lot. I wanted to start off this discussion differently, but I forgot. Like 20 minutes ago I was beaming with a smile but 19 minutes ago I felt sick, like I was going to collapse. I wanted to cry. Without a reason I just flipped emotions and I kinda gave in, even though I thought for 5 mins whilst singing Galway girl but it didn’t work. It are away so I got into bed and got under the covers. This is what it’s like almost everyday, I give in to it, and just wait for it to pass, I don’t fight it because I believe I’m my illness. But I shouldn’t and I don’t want to.