Just going to clear a few things up. – Trigger Warning

First if you’re reading this then please watch the video. There’s no other way to put it other than that way. https://youtu.be/tKaQd6-tlUw

Contrary to popular belief, suicide is not a spur of the moment decision. The process of thought can take anytime between days and even years. For a person to suddenly decide to commit is the general image behind suicide that society has imposed on us, never once do we mention the hours of thought put behind the act, a person puts into it. Nor do we mention how said person usually comes up with alternative reliefs before the end game and the continuous balance of positives and negatives they weigh up. Suicide isn’t all hearts and roses, its bloodshed and tears. 

The truth is I have thoughts of killing myself at least 5 times a day – on a good one. And on a bad day, even more. I’m not scared of dying, I’m mostly bored if not tired of living a half life. I’m smarter than that however, and it’s just thoughts. But I know I’m strong enough to do so, and I lack no remorse for it, it’s too easy to be honest. There’s tutorials on nooses,I could hang myself from a tree, I could slit my wrists easiest of them all actually! There’s also bleach, I could jump from somewhere or drown. 

I’m bored of the life I live. People compare me to Hannah Baker and ask me if I did it, who would be my reasons. In actual fact I probably wouldn’t leave a note behind, because you can’t write a suicide note to yourself, or to life even. I don’t feel anything mostly, I can’t cry because I lack the feelings so I laugh instead and pretend I’m fine, I make jokes and every depressed word that comes out my mouth is a plea for help.

Last week I went missing, people only care when you could be dead. But no I say sorting things but it’s normal, I could kill myself tomorrow and everybody would love me for 3 days and then never mention my name again.

Before I finish I don’t want sympathy, none at all just recognition that I’m not okay. And I definitely don’t want any are you okay. 

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