I don’t know what’s wrong, why am I so sad and why am I crying? Besides the fact I’m listening to take me home and it’s bringing back memories; because I totally didn’t just answer my own question. I’ve been having these thoughts for a while now and I want to feel it all again, it was indestructible feeling. It was purpose and now I can’t not feeling it, being happy – it causes me to be too happy. To be too open and carefree. I don’t want that, I want to feel the strong emotion again
I feel quite shit. My Insecurities are just flooding out of a dam and my fears are being showcased. It’s likely I’m tired, but they have to exist firstly. I’m listening to Same Love and it’s quute upsetting.
I am one of the most noisy, out there people, yet I’m also one of the quitest.
In person I am so rude and uncontrolled, I don’t shut up. I never stop talking and just ramble. But that’s not me, I’ve got so much to say, so much that’s actually meaningful. I’m full of spirit and personality but it’s trapped inside out of fear and lack of confidence. I notice and think more than I say.
I’m socially awkward and sometimes I can’t have a half decent conversation without going off on some random nonsense or stuttering. But there’s so much I have to say, I just don’t have the ability to do so.
I have so many questions just waiting to be asked but I can’t because I don’t to know the reactions they will stir. What I see inside my head clashes and contrasts with what I see in the mirror. What I think and what I do are major contradictions, I want to be able to shout from the rooftops and be proud – to be great, to be a world inspiration. I want to be apreciated and told I’m great, but to actually believe and feel it.
Why do I feel so lonely and insecure. Why am I always inside alone devoid of life, devoid of friends even when the suns out. Who do I have? Saying one thing and doing one thing is a different story, it’s always just me. Picking myself up after a hard day. I wouldn’t mind though today hasn’t been all that bad it’s just somethings stick in your head playing over and over again like a broken record. Everytime somebody makes me feel like crap; even when it’s wrapped up as a joke. It sticks and tears me apart. Why can’t I be good enough, not even for one person? I have a playlist literally called insecure, because they hit me on a spiritual level. I look around and all I see is happy faces, so I force myself to joke along pretend to be happy. It all just comes out as a mess, I stutter, I annoy people and my head just bobbles. 😂😂😂 I’m pathetic I know, I act like I carry the world on my shoulders when really I’m just a fat, ugly, smelly, annoying piece of shit that everyone hates.
Got one task out of the way, slowly progressing but still each step makes a difference.
It’s an endless circle. I’m happy but I’m depressed, tired but awake. I can’t sleep on a night because I’m to busy thinking about school. I attrmpt coursework but I’m too far behind that the thought scares me. I’m too tired to do it any because of the lack of sleep but I also lack all motivation whatsoever. I just want it all to stop, I want to be able to just pause time and sleep for months and get up refreshed so I have the energy to sort everything out. Then get back to life and live.
I feel like shit. Why? I don’t know.Do I think it will be fine? Course I do, I’m made of fucking diamond, I’m a fighter. I just feel lonely and insecure. Ugly inside, and out;I feel pretty stupid, dunno why. I just feel so opposite to intelligent, could it be because I’m surrounded by such ‘smart’ people? Probably, even though I know secondary education is all about memory and that they are just good at memorising stuff. Where as I clearly aren’t it feels so shit to be the ‘least responsible and trustworthy in the class’, it’s bullshit.of course that’s the case – well it don’t make me feel better. Either way out of 32 people I’m one of those 8 who still can’t be trusted, not to mention I don’t get half the stuff where we’re learning sometimes.
I’m genuinely trying, maybe jot trying my best. I’m not going to lie I could put so much more pressure on myself and force feed myself the drive to work. How do I make everything perfectly right but not spend 10 hours on it? It’s effecting my sleep, it’s effecting my happiness. I want to satisfy everyone and be there for everyone.
I tried to sit down and do some coursework but I can’t make it perfect and it makes me want to give in. I can’t get past one thing without it being perfect, so how can I even start the next.
I’m currently listening to fucking perfect, because it’s exactly how I feel.
I don’t really have anything else to say so have a fantastic morning, afternoon, or evening.
Do I have insomnia or is my brain just too busy? Well theres not much difference other than the fact insomnia is an actual scientific thing and an illness – I assume that’s correct.
It could be either; OR my brain could be too busy because insomnia is causing it to be. For instance I’m on a tight schedule for school,getting up at 5 to get ready for school and do some homework. Got 3 assignments due in for business and bits here and there for product design, I should probably be revising for science. I can’t do math fullstop then not to mention History, French and the what not, whilst having to eat, drink, relax and have free time – all on top of sleeping. Where does it all fit in?
It’s easy enough saying stick to a set schedule but I physically, emotionally and mentally cannot. I’m trying to put my everything into everything all at the same time, whilst trying to make everyone happy. OCD forces me to push and push for perfection, whilst anxiety or ADHD, ADD causes me to want to push everything to the corners of the Earth. But in the terms of Add etc…. I’m speaking metaphorically because it’s only a self diagnosis and they’re never good. But it’s certainly a possibility!
Then there’s also the periods of highs and lows, too much to just be forgotten about and pushed to the side. Is bipolar too far? I’d say no, it runs in the family and how can I have Depressive periods, anxiety, ADD/HD, extreme highs annd OCD all at once? Wouldn’t bipolar just fit, I’ve done heaps of research at least and there’s only so much I can blame certain things on, I was blaming my shortness and struggle for breath on anaemia as well as tiredness, which certainly fits perfectly, but tiredness is also a major side affect of bipolar disorder.
I’m trying to maintain a strong, healthy balance and not lash out. To just keep my shit together neatly but it takes time. As much as I say and wish I would be able to drag myself kicking and screaming out of this rut I can’t. I get one rush of euphoria and before soon I’m smack back to where I was an hour ago.
I’ve rambled for too long now, so have a great day, keep your head heild high and your faith strong! Every day is just a further step forward in the right direction.