There’s always something pulling me down like gravity, when anxiety relaxes self loathing hits the roof. When acceptence rains down from the heavens, pressure and stress push you to the dephs of hell. When does it end? 4 years is enough why aren’t I allowed to be happy?
Anything less than 100% isn’t good enough, but we’re making things so much harder. We’re only relying on your memory now, but let’s not forget that’s about your mental state, so instead lets drive you to insanity.
I don’t know how much more I can take before I relapse and the struggle starts all over again, how much longer can I expect myself to put up this act.
Let’s also not forget after one emotional attachment, I gained another, now that all blew to smithereens. Now we have another attachment to not only 1 person but 2, and one of them it took you what 1 year to at least semi get over . And the other one is absolutely adorable, I look at them like I would a puppy, they’re annoying but they’re also super cute, funny, charming and just beautiful.
It’s a new thing all the time, bullying, low self esteem, depression, eating disorder, adhd kinda like, I could name them all, I have expireenced every single symptom that comes with any mental illness. Everyone says they’ll be there for you, they never are. Your always by yourself fighting your own battle against the universe s and the very air you breath. When you make a mistake it’s your fault
So I’ve made the rash decision to start my blog again, bearing in mind that nobody but me will read it and that I’ve had no sleep, thus it will most likely not stick. Either way I can update it regularly or irregularly and post my journey through time for my future self to reflect on.
Its 7:20, and I plan on staying in bed for another two hours before getting up and ready for the day. I want today to be a solid day of revision and work however the reality is it will be 30 minutes vs 12 hours of complete, utter nonsense. So, to start with things are slowly progressing for the better, or seem to be; I’m feeling happier and more relaxed. I’m starting to accept and embrace myself, and improve on where I feel needs changing to become the best version of myself I can. It could be the half-term holiday buzz, or it could be a step up for my mental well-being but either way it feels euphoric.
I am drastically getting better at drawing, specifically realisism pieces and can actually feel proud of my pieces. I’ve been practicing and feel I have as close to perfected the human eye as I can, and have started with noses.
Oooh yeah. I’ve been doing rather well in tests for once and even getting the highest score in English twice in a row and 10/15 in chemistry where the highest was 11 marks. This made me feel a variety, I was embarrassed and felt butterflies in my stomach but also was ecstatic and proud. Not to mention the thrill it gave me to beat an old rival/friend and enemy who happens to be the smartest in our class – well supposedly. I’m not sure what their personality displays now, but back then they were a spiteful, arrogant, vindictive piece of work. They were very good at buttering you up and charming you to the point you could confide in them but they had an air of cheekiness about them. I couldn’t figure them out then and still can’t now;not that I really care anymore other than being happy for the person now that they’ve found stable friends and kind of jealous and regretful.
A lot has happened in the last few years, and the last few months really haven’t been any different either. I made the decision to branch out and create a better, stronger happiness in myself with new friends and a new found independence. Admittedly it left me rather indecisive and confused, not to mention a floating piece of chaos between the past me and the new me. It left me emotionally and mentally unstable for a short while but I worked through it and will continue to. I no longer feel the lingering feeling of attachment, dread and ashame of being an outsider friend that often weren’t even second best. It left me stressed and empty of soul but I no longer feel it. I don’t regret that decision because it’s allowed me new opportunities, it’s made me realise they weren’t my whole life and I needed to spread my wings into the unknown and experience the world and new people. So I did, I’m now trying to talk to new people and be kinder to human and animal kind. Not that it always works because the past crops up from time to time.
Goodbye lovelies, thats all for now ❤️